Monday, October 6, 2008

Restless rantings...

If you're not a parent, and you're planning on being one anytime soon, you might not want to read through this if you're looking for encouragement or a reason to start trying. If you are a parent, you're probably going to want to nod your head in agreement at least at some point while reading this post. I'll also throw in some of my whiny (albeit sincere) angst that I'm dealing with at this point.

Being a mom (or dad, okay?) is a great joy, yet a great trial. I've been craving a "real" job lately. I've been actually feeling the onset of panick attacks because I just don't feel a purpose at this point. I haven't been getting my daily dose of praise, or acknowledgement. I spend most of my time either breaking up fights, or cleaning up some bodily function gone awry. I love the teaching moments where I know my child understands the point of her punishment, and I love enjoying the simplicity of childhood with them. I guess most of my desire to get out is that if I succeed in the job market, there'd be somebody there saying, "Hey, look what she did" "Great Job". Who doesn't love affirmation that they are, in fact, worthy of a little praise? Could I even succeed anywhere else? I haven't held a job in 8 years! Don't get me wrong, my husband knows that I need that affirmation, and he shows his appreciation for all I do. I'll only really know if I've done a good job in 10 or so years. If you know me, you know I'm not a patient person. I simply don't like to wait on anything. It's this endless cycle for me. There's this fear that I want to step out and extend myself, but to what end? What do I even do with myself? Excuses are becoming rationale, and time is becoming cruel.

There's passion inside me somewhere, I feel it for our family, ministry, and my circle of friends, but beyond that, I don't know where to direct myself.

Meanwhile, I'll keep picking up the toys off of the floor, doing the endless supply of laundry, sending various children to various corners, and I'll keep the baby wipes handy in case anyone needs me.

1 comment:

aunt kiki said...

Okay, so let's think of some obstacles to you at this point:

1. How long until you will have the "day" free to you, at least three times a week?

If not soon, how much time can you honestly devote to yourself right now?

2. once the above is figured out,with this time, what kind of activity could fill it but not go over it? is it another class, or a part time job, or mentoring...etc..

3. Be ready to accept that some things can't be rushed, but seriously , i don't know how you do all that you do for your family, church and friends. I can't think of anybody that is a better mom to their kids than you are. You act as though this is the end, and you have to act quickly before i don't know what. Don't you think that pretty soon, the girls will all be in school, and you will have soooo much more time to reach your personal goals! I have so much faith in you, I all ready know that you can succeed in what you set out to do. You have living proof x 3 that you can.

Do not let the anxiety get to you (i know, easier said than done..), you can laugh it off, think it off("this is going to pass in a second, then I will wonder what I was so worried about), or breathe it off-just know that it won't stay.

Sometimes you might have to just try something that sounds interesting you, something new that you never before thought you would do. Personally I'm excited to see what you will succeed with next.
Love you!

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