Hopscotch

We had a little break in the heat, so my little crazies headed outside to play some hopscotch.

Here are some fun pictures!

Doubt

I don't know if I'll ever be past the stage in my life where I constantly doubt myself. Is it normal, or am I just neurotic? There's nothing more frustrating to my husband than when I assail him with a barage of questions as to how he thinks I'm doing. Me: "How was dinner, honey?" Him: "Great" Me: " Are you sure, because it didn't show in your face that you were really enjoying it while you were eating." Him: "It was great, really!" Me: "I'm not sure you really liked it." Him: (sighs)

Me: "What do you think of this picture, honey?" Him: "Good, really Good!" Me: "Are you sure, you didn't even look at it for very long..." Him: "I didn't have to, it's great!" Me: I don't know, it probably needs more work" Him: (sighs loudly and rolls eyes)

Me: "Honey, How does the house look?" Him: "It looks great, Honey" Me: "You didn't say anything when you came home" Him: I haven't even come all the way in the house yet" Me: "Well, I'm sure if it was really great, you would have already noticed" Him: "What can I make for dinner?"

I do this to my friends too, although I will readily admit to them that I have an issue and need constant affirmation. They handle it in stride (probably because I take the bulk of it out on my poor husband)

Sooner or later he tells me like it is, that I'll never believe anything he says unless I start having confidence in myself. I don't know why I have this issue. I was alway loved and supported, and have always been given plenty of encouragement. It's just something in my psychie that makes me ridiculous.

Right now, I'm having to push aside all my doubt and surge forward professionally. I feel very confident in my abilities in what I do, and business is starting to really pick up. It's so exciting, but the better I feel about something, the more doubts that creep in. My inner dialogue is terrible and I'm having to stop and shut myself up. I compare myself to some peers, I compare my work with theirs and wonder why I'm not as busy as they are. I am my own worst enemy. How do I stop this vicious cycle. I'm starting to think that I should just use these thoughts and succeed just to spite them.

100 Things that make me happy

I have seen this on a few other blogs and thought it would be fun to try.  I always like to try to put things in perpective and remember all my blessings.  Even if you don't blog, I encourage you to make a list of all the things that make you smile.

1.   staying up late and talking all night
2.   a great haircut
3.   crunchy ice
4.   watching Taylor's face on her favorite ride at six flags
5.   the feeling i get right after a great workout
6.   when my dog spoons my legs
7.   hearing Ella sing herself to sleep
8.   dinner at my parent's house
9.   wind chimes
10.  my favorite jeans
11.  the beach at night
12.  when someone catches me daydreaming
13.  teen camp
14.  wednesday night at church
15.  sunday nights with the teens
16.  talking about books with Kayleigh
17.  fall weather in Texas
18.  floating the river
19.  taking a great picture and not being able to stop looking at it
20.  a great nap
21.  coke zero
22.  getting into God's Word with friends and talking about it
23.  word searches
24.  the smell of the kids right after they have had their bath
25.  new car smell
26.  a paid off car
27.  a great fitting t shirt
28.  crab legs
29.  snuggling with any of my babies
39.  talking with my husband about our future
40.  dancing
41.  girls weekends
42.  riding horses
43.  holding hands with Baxter
44.  a great massage
45.  falling asleep to music so my dreams have a soundtrack
46.  birthday cake
47.  laughing so hard i cry and/or can't breathe
48.  clean sheets
49.  razorback football
50.  flip flops
51.  looking at old photos
52.  the feeling you get as you are climbing the highest part of the roller coaster
53.  the smell of rain
54.  a chick flick
55.  reading a book cover to cover
56.  when my girls use a new (clean) word for the first time
57.  hearing my girls giggling up in their rooms
58.  jumping out from behind a door and scaring someone
59.  date night
60.  my "special days" with each of the girls
61.  quiet prayer
62.  my niece's dimples
63.  fuzzy slippers
64.  giving money to someone who needs it
65.  talking politics wih my political geek friends
66.  baking
67.  having company
68.  shopping for furniture
69.  long hugs
70.  ponytails
71.  getting a letter
72.  singing
73.  Crossdirection Worship team
74.  History
75.  waking up thinking i am late, but realizing i still have a few more hours
76.  Christmas morning
77.  talk radio
78.  hearing a great song for the first time
79.  a clean kitchen
80.  editing photos
81.  long walks
82.  fresh cut grass
83.  a beautiful sunset
84.  family game night
85.  fun sunglasses
86.  looking at the ocean from our cruise ship
87.  jumping on a trampoline
88.  making a new friend
89.  the look of fresh paint
90.  new baby smell
91.  tickling my kids
92.  chasing my kids
93.  teasing my husband
94.  waking up knowing it's my hubby's day off
95.  super mario brothers
96.  my mom's lasagna
97.  my dad's jokes
98.  The Golden Girls
99.  cloud watching
100.  love notes

Can you name 100?

Selah

Teen camp this year was for me, definitely a year that far surpassed any other year in the respect that i was more challenged and more convicted, and more frustrated that any other year that I have been. 

As a leader, you hope to encourage your students in their faith, decisions, and challenge them while they are in the grips of finding who they are in this whole new world that has opened up to them. You don't expect to have obstacles and distractions thrust upon you personally that hinder your ability to lead.  This week I dealt with my frustration with a leader from another church who didn't live up to my idea of what a follower of Christ should look like.  I didn't handle the idea of conflict well.  I felt myself moving toward bitterness, anger, and frustration.  Luckily, I have an amazing husband and wonderful friend who were there to struggle, and exhort, and basically tame me. I eventually used biblical principle to deal with the above mentioned leader and confronted the situation (if you know me, you know that I can gag just thinking about confrontation). The outcome was less than I hoped for because they definitely didn't respond with an open heart, but I definitely felt God working through me.  It's a funny thing how our God works, because just hours after this was over, we were asked for help from teens from another church about (yep, you guessed it) resolution of a conflict.  Had they come to me just hours earlier, I would definitely not been able to guide them in any sort of biblical way because of my own bitter heart. I felt the Holy Spirit move me that night.  I heard whispers of encouragement me and and blessing because of my obedience as I gave Godly counsel to young ladies I barely knew as they shed honest tears about their conflict.  It was amazing.  I don't know if I'm even (I'm actually sure that I'm not) giving it the colorful wording that it deserves.  It was powerful. 

As the week progressed (yes this was just about day 2) God started just moving in every area of our group.  The teens were bold, and overcome with fire for their faith.  They made decisions of action, and choices that are going to be very hard to put into motion now that they are home.  It was wonderful. 

I am an impatient person.  I want what I want when I want it.  I have to have instant gratification.  I have to have a plan so that I know that I'll get what I want.  When I pray, I want answers.  When I begin worship, I want to feel God move.  It has been a very long time since I have been able to consistently worship.  I have been sporadic on being able to feel the intimacy with God in a worship setting.  I believe now, that this is because I went into it with a heart of impatience.  I wasn't waiting for God, I was trying to force my way into worship. He's always there, but I wouldn't know it because it's all about me. We all read in the book of Psalms this week a little and of course that little word "Selah" is used throughout at the end of  verses.  I knew little or nothing of the meaning behind the word except for the fact that it meant "wait". In doing a little research I found that the word selah was also used as a change or shift of the music played during that time. It's a bridge connecting one phase of the music to the next.

 As we read, I was just fixed on that word.  I liked it.  I like anything that reminds me to hold on to my horses. Then the word changed for me as we did the ropes course on Wednesday.  We did what was called the "Leap of Faith".  I usually don't do ropes.  I let the kids get out their crazy and I watch and make fun of them.  I was basically forced into this one.  You can't exactly call it peer pressure, but I did it.      If i can, I will just paint this picture for you (there are pictures of me doing this and I will post them when I get them).  Picture it, a 35 foot telephone pole with nothing at the top, except a rag about 10 feet away.  The pole is only about as wide as your feet.  you climb to the very top, figure out a way to stand up without falling off, and jump off and try to grab the rag on your way down.  So, as I was making my way up the pole, I was sure to look up, not down.  I was sure to ignore the teasing coming from down below, and I was sure to watch my footing so that I didn't fall off.  I steadied myself and stood at the very top of this pole.  I looked at this rag ahead of me, and had no idea exactly how far I had to jump to reach it.  I didn't look down, and I was confident that I was safe with the harness that protected me.  I took a few seconds to just settle myself and then i jumped.  I grabbed the rag, and then i was lowered to the ground (trying to awkwardly hide the "harness wedgie" that had ensnared me).

 Only later did I reflect on the few seconds on top of that pole.  I had already done the hard part.  I had gotten on the first step, and then I had climbed, and then I had turned around, and then there I was, just.. well.. waiting.  I was gathering myself, i was reflecting on what I had just done, and I was bracing myself for the next step.  The next action I had to perform. I waited, and then jumped.  Now, this word has a whole new meaning for me.  If I am in the midst of conflict, it means stop and wait.  If I want to pray, it means settle down.  If i want to worship, it means pause and reflect.  If I want to hear what God says, I have to be patient enough to listen, and slow to react, or I might fall.

I am just in awe of how God can use the ministry with which He has called our family to deepen my faith, and strengthen my spirit.  I'm overwhelmed.  God is good.